Everything had changed since the year I ORD from my unit. Till today, one of the old timer who is in same ICT as me mentioned that our unit is actually a classified unit. Hmm.. But since the year of our badge been announced, I guessed that its no longer classified. How I wish our's still classified. At least it made us proud.

But, sad to say that all the gurus of the commander in our unit had gone. Either promoted or ORD and left with some punks out there. Some of the new commanders were not even 'born' since our camp existed. Now been run by those punks made us sad. Deorganise is one word I would like to give.

All reservists had reported to camp since Day 1 and until the today which is Day 4, they still proved to me that they sucks big time. Fancy us to sleep and laze around the camp, which is good but yet its total waste of time! Till the end of the day then things start to work? What the hell???? Whats the training programme?? No one knows. There's no appointed commanders to our comany and lead us. There are only HQ ppl to lead us and yet only 2 active commander turned up. The rest? FUCK OFF then.

Fancy us to go for range today, which is our IMT on electronic system, NO ONE KNOW whats NEXT! And no instruction been passed down at all! This is far too much for us to digest. What more can I say? Is it that we have to plan our own schedule for the next ICT? Most of us were very unhappy with such kind of circumstances! What to do. They sucks. They do not how to handle and moreover to organise every single details.

What does us, as a reservist, went to back for? By right, we were to gain back our knowledge and brush up the skill but yet, no way. They literally made FULL use of us to help the active guys to clear/ mover the fucking store!

We do not mind helping, but the only problem is that, why waste our time been laze ard till day falls? I missed those old days we were in the camp. Even there were lots of punishment and shouting everywhere, it doesnt made the entire unit bored like hell. The gurus were gone and here comes the newbird with sadist expression.

I was talking to one of the active to certain things and yet I got such a replied of "Can Lah". Had I not been a reservist, I would have had knocked him down and made him do all overagain! Or rather, report to commanders and recommend extra duties. I am not been mean but yet to train them to be more responsible! What the shit stuff were they doing now? Compared to the past, nothing is but fun. Those were the days that we can ever imagine. Now, OMG. FUCK is the word.

Now, I do not shit care of anything but to get my marskmenship tmr. But this time, as a detail point accumlate. $200! Who do not want! I needed money and seriously need! I do not want ppl to look down on me. The money is so much imptnt to me now. I do not even dare to take any tea break nowsday as I wanna save more! Eat from home is any possibilities. I rather take bus though Im so tired then take a cab. Unless circumstances likewise.

Luckily for Lawrence, whom a oldbird in my unit, live near to me. He lived at Segar and do not mind giving me a ride on his bike. Since we live so near, wht not? Im greatly appreciate for his ride. Thanks dude.

Im seriously need to save whatever shit I can. Eating in camp and eat more cheaper food outside. Its not starving myself but to scrimp and save. To obtain 20K is a serious stuff that I have to make it. Some might think its so easy but to me its not. I had my own committment and I can't really dare to buy anymore things now but to sell some stuff which are much dearly to me. Sell whatever I can and do whatever shit job.

Fenold and Victor asked me to obtain a Class 4 and 5 licence. I agreed to it and will be applying it this saturday with them. So that, I can actually do a part time driver in the weekend. And maybe some photography if ppl do approach me. And also the music, if good. Thanks. If not, as a portfolio and improve more. No harm doing it.

If I do not struggle now, when. Im totally stressed abt the money. I had not even calculate the damn ang pow which had to be given out on the big day. Adding cost is so much that I felt like jumping down! Get the money and spead it. I cant really handle such mental stress. I afriad I might go bonker any sooner. Im not the type that always been so optimistic but for mental wise, Im not. I had to admit I cant handle that at all.

Why does everyone have to force me this and that? I felt that Im a ball been kicked ard. I agreed that I have bad temper but the stress does not give me any smile! How can I smile when I heard the amt is so big. Total sum will be more then 20K. It will be 50K by the end of the day. Im wondering, does one get marry for the one you love OR the flat? Which is imptnt? Choose one. What is stable. Financial stable and full? Only to those fucking rich dude are. The rest weren't. I can say I am but knowing that I do not get that much, why the demand is so high even though everyone know I cant make it?!

Is this a test to see I can do it or to ask me give it up? Is this a joke or rather, let me die off? This is getting nowhere for the huge amt that I have to raise. I can never raise more then 20K even 3 years later. I am is what I am for. Why force me to such circumstances? I tried been nice but sometime its my mentality does not make me to. I flare up by the end of the day. Whoever I saw, scold. I do not give a damn to who this person is. I am well known for been stubborn, want things of what I want, selfish, ultra bad temper.

Its been a while since I flared up! Recently I do not even have any patience with anyone out there. I guess the amt and the stupid fuck camp made me even more pissed! Let alone of my ytd IPPT. FAILED. Yah, failed even though I tried to MAO SHAN. Sigh....

Im wondering does OC close one eyes to let me pass. I doubt so. Prepare for RT and get my leave been deducted off from my leave. What to do. I felt been unfair. My lucks is extremely shit this week. Its not getting any better. What did I do? Why all the bad things fall on me and nothing seem to go on right? Im getting tired....

Perhaps a cool massage might made me feel better. But, no way. Save save save.

Now, Im not trying to compare but I do feel abit of inferior that everyone ride or drove. Some, even though there's no vehicle, they do quite well now. I really congrat these ppl. Some had married thou. This reunion made me know more abt them and their live. Great to the ICT but not the unit shit work.

I guess, Im the only person who is quite down shitty now. But some do have car as a burden. Wondering how can they pay for wedding. Or rather, their parent are rich? Sigh... this is one thing. I do not blame anyone but myself for not doing that well. I have to strive....!!!! But how on the F can I??? This is so stressful that I almost knock my head against the wall almost every night.

Money, where the F are you.... I reckon.. idea... where are you... LUCK, where??? COME TO ME, PLEASE!

Im sorry to those who I flared up to as I cant handle it. I guessed, some had given me up. I can only blame myself for been so useless now. What to do.... useless is the only word I can only see it to myself now... nothing more.